Violence

A therapist's perspective on today's violence

I am writing this two days after Charlie Kirk’s horrific assassination. A couple of hours ago, a press conference was held to announce that the alleged shooter is in custody. Before we knew his identity, I suspected he was most likely a young man in his early 20s, white, into gaming, atheist, with a history of social awkwardness, neurodivergent and possibly on the autism spectrum, very intelligent, involved in discord groups.

As a therapist, I have long been interested in teens and young adults, and they have made up a large part of my caseload. I work with a variety of conditions and complaints, including depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders, trauma. I have also worked with a few adolescent males who identified as transgender females, and with parents of young people who have suddenly announced they were trans (what many call Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria or ROGD).

My work with young people has given me a glimpse into their world, and I have become concerned by how easily vulnerable young people today can be radicalized. I have seen the utter rage in one young man’s eyes as he spoke of his mother, who refused to call him by female pronouns, and of his Christian grandparents. I have heard numerous times about online communities who are deeply affirming, and who are essentially planning a movement to destroy “oppressive structures” and where “violence is completely justified.” I have heard hateful vitriol against “Nazis” and fascists in power, the evils of capitalism, the stupidity and evil of religion, especially Judeo-Christian religions. This is the type of client who, if meeting with a “gender affirming” therapist, would be immediately “affirmed” and the therapist would insist that all family members call him she/her and facilitate his getting cross-sex hormones. Instead of exploring the client’s misogyny, trauma from a childhood steeped in domestic violence, and helping him with his depression while developing greater resilience. This is the type of client I think of each time I learn of a new horrific act of violence.

I believe that we therapists and other mental health providers are at the forefront of this crisis of violence we have in our country. And this frightens me, because most counselors today have been trained in graduate programs that lack any moral grounding and train counselors to be activists rather than therapists. Pornography, gender confusion, sexual fetishes, and overall fragility are considered normal and to wish to explore these can be construed as a “microaggression,” we are taught. There are certain behaviors and thought patterns that should be explored as they indicate a possibility that a person is not quite flourishing. But if you look at posts in Facebook groups for therapists, it is clear that many therapists are taught to and believe that the ethical course of action for a therapist is to affirm, end of story. Many therapists today themselves identify as polyamorous, trans, etc., so they often are unaware of their blindspots. To be clear, I am not suggesting that members of these groups are likely to be violent; but I do fear that in their zeal to welcome more young people to their tribe, they are missing signs that these kids are in a bad place, which will not be resolved with cross-sex hormones and/or SSRI’s.

Recently I was speaking with a friend and colleague who does very important work in trauma and travels the world working in war zones and communities devastated by mass shootings. She agreed with me, that we are missing the point with the transgender issue. She mentioned how previously, one common way for young people (mostly girls) to manage feelings of a loss of control and low self-esteem, was to manipulate her body through dieting and exercise, and this would become an eating disorder if her internal distress felt unmanageable. My friend said she believes that for the majority of kids today who are identifying as transgender, it is the equivalent. It is their way of dissociating from the pain. She mentioned a specific community that had a school shooting with a high number of victims, and a large number of the survivors, now teens, identify as transgender.

I have written previously about the similarities of eating disorders/body dysmorphia and gender distress. And as I said, it would make no sense, nor would it be ethical, for me to align myself with a client’s anorexic part and urge her parents to help her diet and take her to a weight loss clinic. And yet that is exactly what we are doing with clients experiencing gender confusion and distress.

I have also often said and written, kids are the canary in the coal mine. I think of these young, violent people as canaries. They are communicating today that they are living in a highly toxic environment. They are unmoored, as they have grown up in a culture that taught them that as white men they are at the top of an oppressive system, that fame and material wealth is the true god, that people are disposable, online connection is real, pornography shows normal sex, biological science is irrelevant. When we adults can’t state definitively that you cannot change your sex with hormones and surgeries, then how can anything be true and real? When we tell kids that words are violence, then where is the line? When we tell kids that they can force others to change and comply in order to make them feel comfortable and “safe,” then why would they not believe they are victims and entitled to take what they want and need?

We don’t have a young person problem, we have an adult problem. Instead of continuing to point fingers at the other side, the way I have seen on social media the last couple of days, mostly around gun policies, we need to look at the bigger picture and consider that we have a spiritual crisis on our hands. We need to reflect, individually, within families, communities, and our society, to identify toxic messages, our blindspots, and broken connections we need to mend and nurture. We need to think critically and be discerning about what information we consume. We need to pay attention to our children, our students, our patients/clients, and prioritize connecting with love and curiosity. We need to stress the importance of embodied connection, not virtual connection. And we need to reflect on our spiritual connection. Our vulnerable members of society join gangs, cults, and terrorist movements because they are longing for purpose and belonging.